November 15th: Thoughts Today Part 2
Today I went out and hung out with my friend Senpai. I hadn’t seen him in a long time because we kept making plans just for me to have to cancel because of what was going on with my family. The original plan was to cook together but we ended up deciding to save that for next weekend and just hang out and go out for tacos instead. I always enjoy my time with him and it some ways I feel like though our reactions to life are vastly different we do have similar experiences and so we can relate to one another in that way.
There are a lot of thoughts that I have, ideas, feelings, that I usually don’t feel comfortable sharing with others because I feel like they won’t understand, or they will judge me for them. Because of this there is certain topics that I usually only talk in depth on to my closest/best friends. The number of people of which I can count on one hand. Lately though I have gotten a little bit more open and have began to dabble with talking to others about such things which has proven to be not as much of a negative experience as I imagined.
Today was such a day. Senpai and I have gone through very similar health issues and but we are in different stages of them. Many of my more severe symptoms have gone down considerably. I still deal with a number of things that indicate that my health is fragile but it is not nearly as bad as how it use to be where as he is in the throws of it. Something that I can relate to fully and completely. Because of this we can confide in each other about it and even feel a bit better knowing I’m not crazy and what I was going through was a real thing that happens to people.
We also talked about aspects of our personalities, how we think of the world, what our reactions are to things that have happened to us, and eventually we got talking about more spiritual beliefs.
One of the things that I have been struggling with lately is this mental emptiness. When I’m with friends my mind is blank. When I am alone its more of a deafening silence. Being with friends helps, considerably, but I have to actively concentrate and focus really hard in order to feel like I can talk somewhat effectively/keep track of my thoughts. And as a sublet of that I stumble a lot and loose what I was going to say and many other challenges. It makes me feel stupid and it makes me sound stupid and its quite frustrating. I am an intelligent human being, I know that, and this mental emptiness that I feel has nothing to do with intelligence, I think its my minds way of coping with the seemingly impossible amount of emotional stress that I have gone through recently. I have informed other people of this feeling but Senpai is the first person who has been able to relate to it/know what I am talking about so it was refreshing to talk to him about it and comforting.
We also talked about life experiences and beliefs we hold about spirituality because of them and we use different terminology but still hold very similar beliefs which was also quite refreshing. These beliefs and experiences are the types where I have no set explanation for. I am no expert nor will I ever consider myself to be one. I merely embrace what I experience, and what I feel, and I learn about what I believe as I go. At this stage in my life I am just trying to embrace all of who I am, something that I was really hesitant towards for a very long time. Having these kinds of talks with friends is quite beneficial for me, because it helps me feel better, feel encouraged and gives me energy towards the goal.
I still feel like I’m crazy for being honest about certain feelings and experiences, I still feel afraid or even ashamed for believing the thoughts and feelings that I experience. But I am trying, working, towards embracing who I am and what I perceive, with eyes open, unashamed and with no judgement.
I have come to accept that there are things in life that you can’t explain. That don’t make scientific sense. But that that doesn’t mean that they aren’t real or true. It just means that we don’t have an explanation for them. It was a hard thing for me to accept because I know that many people will judge me for it. But I know that embracing who I am will always be worth it. And I cherish any moment I have in which I take a step closer to accepting my spiritual self and unique perception.
Today was a lovely day where I felt accepted for expressing myself, even the pieces of me that most people don’t understand. It made me happy. I am glad I have quality friends like Senpai to spend time with.